Monday, August 31, 2009

today

I had to stop for a while- and get right with the one who is my lifeblood and my creator and is part of my identity. If we go non-stop without coming back to him, its like going around proclaiming your love to your wife and never coming home to her. I have to admit that somehow, pride has crept into my heart after seeing all the things God was doing for and through me, like I said, that is my biggest weakness, I'm constantly having to ask God to show me areas of my heart that i've kept for myself. I've spent these three days in prayer and he has broken me down more and more. My heart is broken, yet still the light of the promise and sacrifice of Christ shines in my heart.

There's a lot of things I have learned, and I'll write about a few.

First of all- Paul wasn't joking as he said, "Imitate me, as I imitate Christ". He didn't live in some fuzzy easy world that was made softer and fuzzier by the thousands of years that separate us from him- although our minds try to make it so. Paul was beaten, stoned, beaten some more, lashed, flogged, and put in jail, ridiculed, and i'm sure a whole lot more- all for the cause of Christ. He doesn't mean, when he says this, that we are to revel over how great he was and to regard him as worthy of Christ. He means that we're truly to imitate him. Does that mean that we're all going to end up being beaten or flogged or stoned? No. But what he's trying to communicate is that Christ and his provision and will for your life should be- and is-more than worthy of you attaching that kind of value to it. At first, when I realized this, I was sad. I was thinking of how much I would have to give up to follow Christ. Then i thought about what I was giving up- maybe an excess of food, comfort, public approval, maybe a dating life, the ignorance of breaking other's hearts... etc.. I thought and i realized that I wasn't giving up anything- I was making a return to the way Humans were meant to live. And so, I have vowed to fight, with all of my broken heart, though I may be ridiculed and, as I'm feeling called to go on the mission field, hurt or bloodied, for the cause of the one who's sent me.
America is in a very pathetic state. The collective of america lives for comfort and soft.. easy.. leisure. What's happened to the radical Christian sacrifice for Christ? What's happened to a throwing off of excess, leisure, comfort, in a heart- determined aim at getting closer to him. I mean, its a true way to tell if someone really desires him, if they are throwing off all the excess and giving it up for Christ's cause. We don't need the excess. Yeah. Society has tricked us, all of our lives, with ridiculous tv commercials, and other trivial frivolous junk , to feel like, for some reason, we deserve all this excess and plain worthless junk. But its not true. In order for Christ to look magnificent, he's got to be the lifeblood and prize of every one who claims to know him.

I have also learned this. Whenever we have religious highs, its because we have the willingness, in these moments, to give all away that we have for God. That's why we feel so great- because that's the way we were meant to live. We see God's mercy, grace, and protection, and we realize it's not about ourselves- and the layer of complacent, sightless, ignorance, that sits on us all throughout life, is lifted. And it's an amazing feeling. Imagine feeling like this all the time. A high of love, sacrifice, forgiveness, true heroism and selflessness- all the time. That's what giving up for Christ gives us (his heart)- and I was just going along following christ and feeling that deep heart conviction to give all up for Christ, and something happened, after the devil whispered some stuff into my heart, and suddenly I felt this huge wave of ignorance and half-hearted giving wash all over me. I think this is true suffering. I was holding back something from God- in my pride- I was SO miserable. It's like you come back from a mission trip and you've had this huge high from God's spirit resting on you, in this conviction of selfless giving, and then something about ordinary life makes us feel like we have to start taking back those things that we had so freely given to God (like our lives, our pride (putting our boasting in God), and suddenly we've got this huge wave of ignorance pressing on us and no matter how much we look at the Bible, pray, seek, listen to worship to songs, that great love high doesn't come back. It's because, when we give, we recieve Christ, when we take, we recieve what we took. When we give away our future to Christ on a mission trip or whatever- we recieve Christ, and when the grind of every day life starts back, something about the desperateness of being in that cage of a daily schedule causes us to start taking it back, (and he gives us back exaclty what we want- our hearts, and so now our hearts are in our own slippery hands, and we start putting our hearts in public opinion, money, sex, food, whatever, and we're miserable again.)
i see it as kind of like putting your heart in penny stocks. (your heart- your LIFE savings (haha)) and you take your life savings out of the more secure, long term stocks, that you know are going to give you a wealth in the future, and start putting them in these super fast, insecure, yet very attractive because of the way the value of the money invested goes up and down almost exponentially. before hand you had this feeling of security of putting your savings in the secure stocks, your heart was at peace- but that wasn't enough action, so you took it out and stuck it in the penny stocks, and suddenly your heart's racing and your panicking all the time. wow- sorry that analogy failed on many levels lol.
But God has showed me the Key. In order to gain this high of love, not temporarily, but for the rest of our lives, we need to, from our heart, declare in bold confidence, that everything we have belongs to the cause of Christ. If we're not willing to surrender everything to the cause of Christ- then we'll probly feel a little antsy and uncomfortable about saying this with our hearts- but, no fear, seek out Christ in prayer, and the New testament every day, and he will pt your heart in the right place.

And so God has a way of punishing, in depriving me from this joyful holy communion with him and his will that i'm enjoying even as I type. (not that my salvation has left me, but that God's sending me a message by showing me that my only true joy can be in the Cross). He punishes me by showing me what my life was like before (whenever i hold something back from him), and suddenly, I run to him on my knees and desperately, for the life of ignorance i've been slowly rid of is not one i'm willing to return to, at any cost.

They won't read our book if we won't read theirs. Society isn't going to have any respect for Christians if we have no respect for them. We were called to live- not to judge.
As it turns out, the people who the comfortable Christian middle class "prosperity gospel" people call "a little weird" are the ones who have sold all out for Christ. Obviously, they're going to look a little weird when their treasure is truly in heaven.

One last random thing.
When is it that we're happier? When we've been treated to the height of material happiness.. we're on the cruise ship, sittin in the beach chair.. sipping a lemonade.. staring out into the sky? that comfort's just life-changing... Or is it when we're on our knees and in tears, singing to the glory of the Risen savior, having worked tirelessly all day for someone who's life was crashing in on them until Christ appointed our help? When we refuse to talk to our friend after they've said something heart-breaking to us, even when theyre sorry, but are to scared to come talke to us, or when we ourselves go to the other friend and give them a hug and tell them that they're forgiven, and draw the near-end friendship even closer in a tearful reconciliation? Christ will prevail in this world. I'm sure of it. As long as people seek TRUE happiness.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

enjoyment and not slavery. what's to happen when it's taken away?

We start out- eating bread and drinking water. We are happy. We know of none other and we are happy, we get on with life. Then someone lets us eat honey on our bread, and suddenly we can't stand to eat bread without honey, because without, it just doesn't hit the right spot . And then milk is introduced, captivating our food lust and telling us that we need bread, honey, and milk. And now, we all eat bread, honey and milk, because we "can't survive without it". And then, someone shows us jelly, and butter, and, gives us more bread, and soon we're engorging ourselves with bread, honey, butter, jelly, and milk, and extra rations of bread. We can't live without it- but somehow, earlier, we made it just fine on the bread. Are the jelly, honey, milk, butter.. necessary? Or is it the harder path, abstaining from the excess, to be filled with a greater joy, that we should strive for?

There are so many things that we use to fill in the gaping holes we have in our hearts. Kind of like turning on the TV when you get home, to drown out the silence in your heart that is screaming so loudly that you need something else to drown it out. Now, we have all the jelly, butter, milk, eggs, honey, you name it.. facebook, twitter, gmail, internet.., musical instruments, books, magazines, myspace, laptops, ipods, cell phones, online blogs, tatoos, weird piercings, expensive cars, excess of money, exotic foods, girlfriends, boyfriends, anything, Anything! -to fill the gaping holes in our hearts. Something deep, deep inside me- something that seems to have it's origin from the beginning of time.... Something that's easy to ignore, like an old wise man sitting in a chair, rocking back and forth, quietly whispering the truth in my ear- something deep inside me says that we were made to get along with just the bread. Something's telling me that true adventure lies in casting off our slavery to the excesses and finding adventure in the freedom. We were made to enjoy- not to serve-the gifts we've been given.

People today live too much in this little mental cocoon of security. John Piper- and i, having read his book, wants to shatter this. Think about it. We act in ignorance in everything we do- we don't know whats going to happen as a result of the decisions we make. I could be killed in the next 30 minutes. My heart could stop (and it feels like its about to after just eating a deliciously American bacon egg and cheese biscuit haha) and I could be dead in the next few hours. I could be driving home today and be killed by a drunk driver. The man who refuses to give to the homeless person, or donate money to a charity or whatever, could die in the next minute, only to have ALL his possessions given away to others in his death. And so the only thing we can do is act in faith of God's will. We need only what he gives us, and we don't need to get anxious about finding things, because his truth, his love, his provisions for his will in our lives is enough. We're to give like we're not certain there is a tommorow, because, for certain, there is not. We could all die at any time in our lives, but we're acting and living like we have to keep all these things to ourselves to preserve our happiness, when true happiness comes in realization of our ignorance- in that we have no idea if we're going to live until the next hour. We've got to shatter this false sense of security. Risking for the cause of Christ should be an every day living thing. We take all adversity and pain to the cross. And so, I can claim no life experience in the "real world" except for 3 weeks in a secular college, but I know for sure that the people who're living in constant frustration and bitterness, who think money and provision for life is the cause, means, and end of all the things we do in the world (and yet still somehow believe in the Cross?) are misled. Jesus said that we can't get caught up in the anxieties of life- of providing for family and other things. We're to work hard, take what comes our way, and do our best. For what God's will is- he will provide us with what we need. not what we greed- but what we need.

victory is mine!

One day, in a beautiful country side church- a man and a woman began a new life in marriage. They were heart and soul excited for each other and were burning with passion to begin their adventure, as both of their individual stories became one in their love. In a "Happy ever after" sort of style, they became one and lived with each other. They lived and loved, cherished and pampered each other for years. The woman would work to serve her husband and the husband would passionately provide for, cherish, and would give his life for his wife. At some point- something went awry. The husband began to see the good work of his wife for him. He took joy in it and began to look forward to her cheerful, unfailing service. He would sit and enjoy the food she cooked, the housework she unfailingly slaved away with. He began to withdraw within himself and take advantage of everything she worked for and gave him. The woman, weeping when he could not see- heart broken and profoundly alone- did not understand. She was providing all these things for her husband but he never seemed to care about the person slaving away to provide for his homely needs. The woman, at the end of her steadfastness and exhausted from the lack of the endearment and love she needed from her husband, wanted to see where the man's heart was. She stopped providing him with her unending housework for a short time and took the rest that she had constantly been denying herself, to see if he would still love her even without the things she provided out of the overflow of her heart. He cursed her. He vilely proclaimed that his marriage to her was of no worth- and he left. The woman found the truth, she suffered in this realization of where her husband's heart lay- her heart was broken to pieces. For a time the man went out with his savings, pursuing an excess of this comfort that his wife had provided him. He spent days engorging himself on the things that his money would provide him, but something didn't seem right. A week later, the husband came back on his knees, realizing that all of the comfort in the world that he had just squandered his money on could not replace the hole and burning ache in his heart that was the absence of his wife. He could not bear living without her because he had lived heart to heart with her before. His wife forgave him wholeheartedly, with joy brimming in her heart. After their heartfelt reconciliation, she immediately jumped up to start taking care of her husband's needs, but he stopped her. He said, "From now on, I will work for you, my wife. From now on, I will never take advantage of the beauty of my relationship with you. From now on, you and I are one." And they lived as one, in perfect and complete joy, never to see the heartbreak of being apart- the husband's life for his wife.


I pray in my life that I never elevate the gift above the Giver.

I've failed so much today. I am truly a blemish on the face of the beautiful creation of God. The only thing I can truly cherish is Jesus Christ- who's saving me despite my failures. Because I desire communion with God, the everlasting joy of giving and not receiving, of being a slave to nothing but goodness and love, he knows where my heart lies- though it wonders off the cliff and out of the sheep pin so many times.
Ugh, just got home. I can't believe how much of a brat I am. Even when I don't say say things to people because I'm being inconvenienced doesn't mean my heart is joyful because of my inconvenience. What happened to a joyful heart, willing to take the load of other people's inconvenience joyfully and to take all frustration to the cross? I'm unfit for any kind of mercy. Praise to God though, because he has saved me and is my victory against sin!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

8/25/09

I am praising God because I have seen Him at work so much today! How can a person voice so much joy!? I'm lifting up all of my friends in my prayers that they will be strengthened/saved and I have seen God at work all day. beautiful.

Something God's been teaching me is just how wonderful he is! haha- always. I look around and I see that the earth, the skies, the beautiful spirit of humanity, the sandwich i eat.. everything is here because of God's mercy. If we had what we truly, truly deserved- and If we did, He would still be a just and loving God- the earth would be destroyed, we would be in hell- isolated from him. And so, I see that all things have been given, and they all point to Christ. Everything i drink, eat, see, feel, touch, is given for the glory of God- because Jesus Christ- the object of the wrath of heavens (our deserved wrath) has paid the ransom. And so I will take joy in my life, in all things, because all things have been given to me of the mercy of Christ. now i live for you, my father. now i live the way I was made to live- with the most joy. I cannot wait for heaven. cannot wait. to live is christ- to die is gain, how true was paul's quote. True possessions are those that death cannot rob us of. All else is just a false prop. This is hard for me, because at one point, my musical skills were everything to me, but now, like paul again, I consider all things I have gained rubbish in comparison to knowing my savior.

Today has been awesome in that I've been the host of God's good work. Not that I had any part in it- as, while i'm writing right now, its possible that I may be becoming filled with pride- but Christ is protecting me from it, and waiting to show all my faults to me so that I can see my depravity. I truly am filled with sin- I've seen it more and more today. No wonder a person could never be rid of sin even after a lifetime of following Christ- theres so much hidden rebellion that we don't even know about.

I have made some resolutions. I pray that I not gain pride(this is my greatest struggle) for listing them, but I'm also posting them on here so that I can be held accountable.

1. Resolved- To live in complete glorification of the beauty and value of Christ all my life. Nothing comes before him.
2. Resolved- To observe myself and the way I act, to be ever watchful of pain in my heart, and not to live in a way that would temporarily appease it. I will present myself exactly the way I am, and be unafraid if people accept it or not- because Christ has accepted me.
3. Resolved- To be in prayer every single day, every chance I get- not shallow, superficial prayer, but prayer worthy of my marriage to Christ.
4. Resolved- To look inside myself and see what may be enslaving me, and cast it off. Everyday, renewed by Christ- I will not allow Satan to crawl inside my heart.
5. Resolved- To know and accept my own limitations, my own hurt and emotional pain and not to rule it out. To not view myself as other people's helper, but to view myself as a comrade with others, who is being healed by Christ and is eager to give this healing to others.
6. Resolved- To get in his word every single day, to preach to my own heart before others.
7. Resolved- To be ever ready not to draw inside myself, but to be ready to freely give of my possessions, my free time, my peace of mind, everything I have.
8. Resolved- To put low-living to death in my life. To seek adventure in every opportunity. To see the beauty in creation and in the wonderfully mysterious Human spirit and to praise God for these gifts. To never fall captive to an ordinary schedule and become lost in it. To see the wonder in everything.
9. Resolved-To give my heart to other people, unafraid of being hurt- for my place is in taking up my cross and suffering with Christ. To be unafraid of the different, the ugly, the uncomfortable, the unpromising, and the mysterious.

These things i've resolved to do. I'm so susceptible to pride that I'm worrying that by posting them up here I'll become proud of the resolutions that Christ has inspired the person he created to resolve to (haha, you'd think pride was pretty impossible in this situation, but i'm capable of it, i'll tell you)

I worry a lot about the people at Armstrong. It doesn't seem that any of them are willing to make eye contact. I mean.. maybe they're all 5,000 of them having a bad day when they pass me, but it is really scary. I think living in the darkness leaves you with scars that makes you scared of showing other human beings who you truly are. Because.. sin never satisfied us, it never approved of us- we gave it our heart, and it took it, broke it, and handed it back. Maybe we're afraid that the very creations of God will do the same thing to our hearts. While I cannot judge anyone, because I was the same way earlier- i will look into people's eyes and offer them a smile, in hopes of brightening their day, giving them a taste of Christ's love. I'm also having so much trouble staying politically correct in my English papers. Just like in this blog.. every time I try and talk about something boring, i end up on a rant about Christ's beauty. I can't help it- he's beautiful. i feel like a mad lover who's got a-rest of my life engagement and then a glorious marriage at death.
Christ is enough. My life in pursuit of Him is enough- and more than enough at that. My joy is complete when I give up the things I don't need to do his will. I can't wait to be rid of sin. I also need to stop typing and do my homework. :D

Sunday, August 23, 2009

To live is Christ, To die is Gain...

Maybe its good that I don't realize how immature I am right now. Maybe it's a gift of God that we are ignorant to our ignorance, because If we were aware of it, I believe we'd have so much contempt for ourselves that we'd no longer take joy in living. I can't imagine how much my mind would literally implode if I realized how many things that I'm ignoring that are right in front of my eyes. But for now, I am content in the fact that I am saved from the punishment of my ignorance, and that Christ is bringing me joy through gradually leading me into all truth.

I've been reading this book called "Don't waste your Life" by John Piper, and I think its one of the best books I've ever read. God's showing me how to take unbelievable joy in everything I do in that it is Christ centered. God created me for his glory, and I am most satisfied in glorifying Him with my life. And, in turn- God is most glorified in my life, when I am the most satisfied with him. And, let me tell you, I am satisfied with him. He is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. My heart breaks for those who have a surface level relationship with Christ, who pray like 10 minutes a day and read the bible maybe once a week- I don't have judgment for them, because I was once like them- but my heart is weeping for them. These people have never seen the beauty of the sacrifice of Christ. If we're not praying and seeking out Christ every day, we're not seeing his beauty, his love. Few will make the efforts to find it- but those who do will live a life flooded with riches and beauty and love. Not earthly riches, but the riches of truth, and the heart of God. Christ is the manifestation of the beauty of God. Love unspoken, unthough of, unthinkable, unimaginable. Every time you watch a movie, read a book, anything that leaves you with this deep feeling of searching for whats true- what is so unbelievably deep that we can only find it in ourselves, all of this is what Christ is. Every time you finish reading a poem or reading a story, when you come back with a sensation of adventure, selflessness, discovery, and deep truth, all of this is what Christ is. Every hero that anyone imagines and admires, Christ is all of these traits. Oh.. the riches of selflessness, the adventure, comradeship, love, and discovery of oneself. Christ is in all of these things. And when we take Christ and trust in him, he will lead us into all these things. I pray and I resolve- that Christ will be glorified in my life, as well as my death. Above all things, he takes the throne. How beautiful. No wonder everyone's making such a huge deal out of Him.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

completely random

I keep on staying up late on facebook, prolonging my time on it.. searching for something that will make me happy.. I keep on listening to worship music in the car continuing to pursue that religious high that I know will make me happy.. As a guy, ever since I was born, I've always looked at girls as a potential source of fulfillment and happiness. I've been making a ton of money at this job. I have a lot of money now... now what? Earning money doesn't lead to happiness. I've bought myself stuff with the money.. this doesn't make me happy. Ipods, cars, docks, fancy computers, nice houses, none of it makes you happy. I've worked as hard as I could, and been very successful with musical instruments, had many people's praise and compliments. I kept on seeking this high of pleasure.. never truly made me happy. I've cussed to fit in.. done some perverted stuff to join in the middle school "typical guy" identity- I was miserable. Never truly accepted by anyone. I've tried to uphold a Christian reputation of being the "righteous stand up for whats right guy". Doing the stuff of my own will power never made me happy, and what made me miserable was that I was failing all the time, on the inside. I've lived to be the person that other people want me to be, to get their approval, never made me happy. I've lived in ways that I look back on and my heart sinks with heaviness.. never was happy. After 17 years of trial and error... I came up with a certain truth. "And the teacher says"- It is all meaningless! Where your treasure lies, there your heart lies also. And when your heart lies in things that lose their happiness, we're taking our hearts and sticking them all over the place, until their container burns, and our heart burns with it, until we quickly pull our heart out of it. but sometimes the burning is so severe that our hearts are numb, and we can't pull our heart out of it because the fire gets too hot. I've been placing my heart in all of these temporary containers, and I was never happy. I got on my knees and accepted Jesus Christ. My heart sings. Since that day, I'm filled and full. Let me tell you something- Love is the answer- And God is love.

Just some ideas i've been toying with.

Today was pretty crazy.. running all over the hot humid college campus.. forgot to wear deodorant in my frenzy to get out of the house in the morning... awkward posture positions all day lol. I looked like a penguin. besides that lol, i'd say that i enjoyed today. I'm truly overwhelmed with all the work i've got to do.. but its all good.

I've been praying that He would reveal my brokenness to my heart, and he certainly did.. I realized how much reaching out I could've done, but I didn't. I'm so selfish. I need Jesus's love and grace.

By the way, what would this world do without women? When guys are too prideful or whatnot to break the silence, or to show some friendliness, girls are always there to bring some friendliness into the atmosphere... thank God for girls.
I'm done. now its time to unload everything that's been put onto my cross to carry onto the cross of Christ. prayer. i LOVE it! praise God!

grace

mercy and grace fall on me all over again, in every moment. when i'm scooping up credit and honor for myself, Christ still pours his grace on me. I need it more and more every day. Why do i have so much trouble reaching out to people? I want to! but some part of me is so dark and desperate in its desire for my own personal comfort. I'm so sick of this sinful nature. Although I am no longer subject to it, it still lives inside me, and i'm still very much a sinner, living in a great savior though. I just need more grace and more truth in my heart. I know he will whisper things to my heart as soon as I can bear them. praise his glorious name.

Monday, August 17, 2009

the broken heart yields happiness.. its just how it works

my life's going through a lot of changes right now. college's one of them, but i'm still in the same city, so it's not life changing. God's been pushing me to my knees on a couple of things that I'm coming to realize in a spirit of truth-heart level, rather than an intellectual level. Whenever Jesus said- Go and Find out what this means "I desire mercy, not sacrifice" He meant he desired heartfelt obedience, trust, love, and repentance, not blind, heartless rituals. Am I doing a lot of "Christiany" things to make myself feel good, or am I doing it out of heartfelt love and mercy out of my own heart? you can feed the homeless, preach to the lost, act humble, and give away money and still not be following Christ. Becuase the things we do for him are of our own desires.. we've been changed from the heart-out, not the actions inward. So we don't do these christian rituals and acts of love and mercy because we feel we have to, but because we have such a broken heart for these people who need to be rescued that we can't help but do it, because of love. love is becoming so powerful in my life.. it has brought me to tears, even right now, i'm so close to breaking down because the brokenness and hurt of the lies that have been told- even to my own family members- is tormenting people and the'yre trying to hide from it in any way possible.. it makes me seriously want to go cry my heart out. and i'm not miserable. I'm happier than any man on earth- i'm saved and I have the key to heal this brokeness, because Christ is in me. Its ironic, (although, Jesus made a point of making everything about who he was ironic, so it kind of fits) that the happiest man on earth can have his happiness growing not out of a happy and whole, hard heart that grieves nothing, but out of the rubble of a broken heart.

Another thing- Christ embraces the broken, the people who truly have no claim on righteousness, the people who've gone all out in seeking satisfaction other than God- and rescues them. "The prostitutes and tax collectors are going into the kingdom of heaven before you" - because they were WILLING to admit their own sin. I'm so glad that jesus has broken my proud heart down into realizing that i'm so corrupt, laced with sin. Every part of me is so disgusting. I can't wait to go to heaven- i can't wait to be free of this disgustingness- i can't wait to be completed, before his eyes, unveiled and staring my lover in the face! I'm so horribly imperfect and full of impure motives and everything. ugh, it makes me want to weep in a corner...

And one more thing. i ask that whoever reads this would pray for me, that christ would be lifted high above all else in my life. I ask that you pray to God to strengthen me so that others can see that He is magnificent above all else. I fail. However- "The flesh is weak, but the spirit is willing"

Thursday, August 13, 2009

the battle against pride..

oh my goodness. I never want to speak in front of people again. pride is creeping around every corner, waiting to fill me with warm fuzzy, lofty, FALSE feelings of how great I am. Oh, how can I be talking about such pure things with my heart sitting there vulnerable to disgusting worms of pride crawling ever closer, waiting to crawl in and make their place?? I need jesus to protect my heart and, if I ever let pride crawl into my heart, give me some humiliating moments or truths or just some good ole' pain or manual labor to make me realize how accurately nothing truly defines me. My prayer is that God will sanctify me in giving me pure motives for everything- its so weird- even when you start out and plan stuff completely based in prayer and humility, its like pride is waiting just around the corner once God has executed it well. oh.. i'm so weak and vulnerable...

Hugs

"do unto others as you would have them do unto you" The very words of Jesus that I'm constantly ignoring. Will I offer my handshake only to the people who stick their hand out first, or will I always be the person to stick their hand out first, whether the person was planning it or not? Am I going to only hug the people who reach for a hug, or am i going to hug people even when they don't look like they're reaching for one? An even better and more challenging question: Am I going to hug only the people who I enjoy hugging, or am I going to look at the opposite side and say who is it that doesn't enjoy a random hug? Tonight, I made it my goal to give everyone a hug or handshake or whatever (YES! I HUGGED JARED haha!) (if he ever reads it lol) and I hugged one of the younger girls in the group (middle school age), who usually doesn't reach out for one, and afterwards, she said, sounding relieved, "Oh, it felt so good to have a hug!" That almost brought me to tears. afer that I wanted to just pick her up and give her the hugest hugs and tell her how much of a beautiful child of God she was and try to love my way through her brokeness and hurt. I think we all need hugs sometimes- and I'm going to be one of those people, as best as i can, who always hugs everyone, because you never know who's heart you're going to touch. I can't picture a Jesus who didn't give the BIGGEST bear hugs! I think I saw Jesus in her. I wish I could be more like a child- free of pride and lust and self awareness. praise God for your truth. i love you so much!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I believe i've discovered some kind of suppressed passion within me to write ALL the time, despite how much my writing skills are lacking. I suppose if I keep on writing they may improve :D

I realized earlier how much I'm going to be absolutely thrilled when I look back in this blog in like a month and see how much God has done in my heart simply by my faith that Christ strengthens me in.

I'm currently about to do some research to put feelings into words. I want to be able to tell people, in a way that makes sense, about what Christ's freedom means and consists of, what he has done for me, how he, in his grace, has strengthened me to love people, and stuff like that. Because i tried it recently, and even though I may have gotten a sufficient amount of information out, I'd rather be able to say it in a way that follows logical sense lol instead of bouncing all over the place because my mind's so fickle. And one thing I do want is to be able to speak from my heart- so I'm going to have some questions and answer them from my knowledge and my heart's testimony first and only if I cant answer, then i'll head to God amazing'y wonder ful Holy word!

Who is God?
Does God love me?
What is sin?
Does God send me to hell if I'm not good?
Does God hold grudges?
Will he forgive all my sins?
Does God exist?
What do I do once i've accepted Christ?
How do I change my ways?
Why should I change my ways?
What does repent mean?
How often should I pray?
What should I pray about?
How does God change my heart?
What does my freedom in Christ mean?
What happens if I become complacent?
Should I tell other people about Christ? and how?

These are all I can think of right now. I'll be answering these today.

"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander."--1 Peter 3:15-16

praise the lord, for he is good!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

my heart is breaking into so many pieces, in a way i love and hate how much God has showed me about the condition of his most wonderful creatures in his own image. I want to cry and cry over all the internal emotional hurt, pain, suffering, voids, and blanks left by sin. there is a reason that God is love, and that's because only with him can all of this be healed. the insecurities and mistrust and violent spirals of emotional voids caused just by divorce can have a person on their knees in confusion all their life because they don't understand why they can't trust. and there are so many other things. I want to give all of humanity a huge hug. Even the outer layers of people who are jerks and mean and vicious are simply cover ups for huge wants and desires simply for love and trust and affection. Why are we so vulnerable? Why can't we choose God more? I have come to the conclusion that not a single one of us knows what we're doing. does the father who starts drinking and refuses to get out of bed for a week have any idea what he's doing to his son, to whom he meant everything in the world? Does the middle schooler who decides to have fun and make a fellow student's life miserable have any idea what turmoil they're causing in this person's soul? Does the father who has his own emotional voids that his children are filling have any idea what voids he's causing in his sons when he is over cautious and never trusts them? We have NO idea of the results of the things we do.
Hurt people hurt people. Broken people break people. Sad people sadden people. Angry people anger people. Healed people heal people. Free people free people.

I have made a resolution from here on out, that for as long as I live, I will love. For as long as I'm alive and able with any fiber of being, I'm going to live to love all these people, all of humanity. We all have hurts and voids and pain, in the form of lies that our emotions take as truths, which bury the place of peace that is God's image, which defines who we really are, under a cloud of lies and mistrust and ignorance. I believe loving and living in jesus Christ is allowing him to reach down through the lies and ignorance and love them into nonexistance, so that our souls, images of God, can be brought up to the front in love for other people. Jesus Christ will love others through us. And in this i'm trusting him to bring as much love into humanity as my body can possibly be a vessel to.

I'm so tired of seeing and being in love with people who have this wall around them, that never seems to be able let any sincere love out or in because theyre so afraid of it. Theyre so afraid that their true identity will float to the surface and the lies that have made them confortable will fade away. Yes, my parents divorced, yes, I'm hurting, yes, my parents never hugged me or touched me and I've grown cold because of it. And yes I've grown comfortable with telling myself it doesn't hurt. But Jesus will heal me and I will come out on the other side a love healed work of God. I have my own problems like this (not the ones listed) and I'm so excited because Jesus is healing me and has healed me so much.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Jesus Christ will find a place in my heart as long as I live. Not because I'm smarter or better or more capable than anyone or any kind of absolute lies like that- but because i in my despair and wretchedness, in my actions that are laced with impure motives and selfishness and hate, need him more than anything else. I live to see Him in other people and in my heart until the glorious day that i see him face to face!


"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

(insert incommunicable word of joyful ecstasy and heartfelt relief here!)

Monday, August 10, 2009

i post way too much in my blog. I'm making a resolution to actually think about the ideas and thoughts God gives me and apply them to my heart before I go and write them. But this is seriously like an awesome notebook type thingy to write stuff in so I must record my ideas here or i'll forget!

Just like, in Homeroom, on the dreary mornings when we've all still got "sleepy seeds" in our eyes and our vision's still blurry and ms. brown used to start us saying the pledge of allegiance and the Lord's prayer. I remember the days that she wasn't there.. there would be a sub who would only mumble the prayer along with us instead of saying it loud like ms. brown, and everyone would get quieter and quieter until it was a whisper, and if the prayer didn't end soon enough, everyone would've stopped whispering it and just thought it in their mind. In the same way, standing up for what's right is equally in need of strong voices so that others will join in.


I've been slowly drowning in a pit of quick sand all my life. the more i struggle to get out, the deeper i sink. A man who is strangely aware of my situation finally arrives after sprinting though the forest and fighting the beasts of the immense, dark wilderness. He reaches his quick and sure hand out and starts to pull me out. At first I am so incredibly thankful, but after a while I see that maybe I might be able to get a good hold on the edge and pull my self out, so I tell him to let go while I get out, and He patiently waits with his hands out to catch me, insulting my pride. I get my hand on the edge and pull as hard as I can and kick my legs but the sand starts to drag me back in and I helplessly and hopefully grasp for the man's hand again. This time, I'm holding on for dear life, until the time that I see his face and can stand before him, washed and clean of my hopeless fall into the pit of sand.

Viciously loving greetings. Handshakes that somehow turn into hugs. Crying on people's shoulders who I know are not going to turn around and wound me when my ears are not present. People who reach out without impure motives. Friendships that grow stronger and stronger. Singing praises to God without shame. Lovers who don't look down on others when they get unique in the way they worship. Homeless people sitting in the front row, in rags, with people of more blessed background planning to take them out to eat afterward. A congregation of Life. Where sin is very present, but the trust in Jesus Christ to overcome this plague fills the place with so much love that sin is brought out into the open, dealt with, and overcome. Brothers and sisters in Christ are the greatest thing that could ever happen to a person besides Christ himself, when, in all actuality, its the closest to Christ himself you can get. And I'm so thankful for my church families and my brothers I hang out with on thursdays and sundays and more, I love all of them so much. The Christ in them is teaching me Love.

mercy

The Lord works for the good of those who love him, but do I love him?

We are more than conquerers through him who loves us, but we have to trust him.. Do I trust Him?

I can't get enough of goodness and grace, but when It comes time to tell other people about how much of me has been forgiven, my mind freezes up, my heart starts beating fast enough to jump out of my chest, i can't get a word out, and I'm trying to run away from any opportunities to bring the truth in the world. Sure, I have no problem loving other people more than anything, but something in me just shrinks away in horror when it comes to telling people about him cold. I have a feeling that this goes against the nature of the Gospel.. while its worked many times to just bring it up to people you've barely known for a week, or some times just flat out walk up to a person and say it, I simply freeze up when I do this. I feel like its necessary that we share our lives and endear people and then be honest with them about the truth of Love. Oh how I wish I trusted him more. Why does he constantly take me back even when my mind just simply locks him out and i try to take comfort in the death and chaos of the world. The only true rest lies in the truth of Christ and the truth of grace in mercy. I truly ought to be cut off from all of it. I don't deserve grace for a second. it makes me want to cry that jesus actually even thought about going and dying for me.. It actually makes me mad at the whole injustice of it. Why couldn't he just keep his life for himself and treat us like we deserve? What is the mystery of this love? I'm so glad to have him to return to. My heart is broken and joy is rising out of the rubble. God have mercy on me!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Heart aches

how much can heart weep for at once? One thing that I noticed about following Christ is that as soon as his spirit enters our heart we are in a subconscious state of mourning for all the sin and brokenness and lies and pain and hurt that exist around us, and inside us, and this mourning is very alive, yet usually drowned out with the joy of the fact that we are saved and that we have the key to healing some of this hurt. But today, God has allowed my mourning to take the throne.

What is it that is the most bothersome? The fact that I can sit at church and watch some people daydreaming, waiting to skip on to the next earthly business of the day? Or is it that In my own heart, God will be doing many great things through my life, my mouth, and my body, and I will have times when i sit back and congratulate myself for it? That I have looked down on people because they are at a point in their faith that I had already surpassed? Or is it that we as humans have such an ability to run from the truth, to thrive in ignorance and store up our death, so unknowingly? Is it that I can spend time with some of the people I love with all my heart and see that they are hiding the truth from themselves? That their hurt is so great that they would rather deal with it for a lifetime than to endure emotional weakness for a short amount of time. Love has much work to do in this world. I will never rest. But how am I going to do the work of love, if my own heart is so susceptible to being corrupted by pride and impure motives?? Oh Lord, save us all because we just don't understand! Especially me!

The people I see walking around, cursing everything, full of bitter anger which they hide when everyone's watching, who have hurt and pain stored up in a seemingly inaccessible part of their heart remind me of people who will walk crooked for the rest of their life because of an injury that could have fully healed, because they were never brave enough to try walking straight again. They never wanted to endure the initial pain of stretching out the foot so that It could return to its normal position, so they will walk in whatever abnormal way they can to avoid this pain , when all it would take is a bit of initial stretching and testing the foot again to start walking straight and normal again. This is what I see when I look at many churches today. I see a bunch of people who are afraid to love because they're afraid it may bring out some previously ignored pain of earlier in life. They will live in the most out of whack and abnormal ways, avoiding true, raw, real, Christ pursuing in love, because it may bring out some initial pain that needs to be dealt with. Lord, be with all of us. We are so confused and lost and desperate for something to fill our souls, and you are the only answer!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

A collection of Recollections of thoughts

So, I would like to take this chance to illustrate how dumb I can be sometimes. I had been reading this required book for Armstrong, the college i'm about to go to for 2 years, and my brain was growing paranoid, restless, aggravated, and suffocated from reading a story that contained no love within its pages- which abounded in a glorious lack of any spellbinding attributes. Is it true that Japanese families almost never hug their children or show them love or familiarity? This is just another thing that reminds me that I have much to learn about life. Anyways. While my mind was aching to set its sights on some Godly beauty, I decided to go and have a trip to my vegetable garden, which I believe is a perfect picture of Godly beauty. Not that I had anything to do with it.. But, on my way there, I see a water bottle sitting on top of a stump, and, having the glorious past as a soccer player (yeah right) I decided I'd try out the old gun again after not playing for a while. (as in my foot) Yeah, well, I lined up, swung as hard as I could, missed the water bottle and jammed all of my toes straight into the stump and accumulated various injuries for each of my poor toes. What lesson am I going to learn from this? I'm not sure. All i know is that in the whole process of the whole thing, I was asking God to reveal his wisdom to me (in preparing to possibly go spend some time in the word on the dock) Maybe we need to realize that God's wisdom doesn't always come in profound truths. Maybe sometimes it comes when all of your toes are jammed and you realize how dumb you are! Maybe God's wisdom comes when we're rolling on the floor in the pain from our mistakes. In my case.. I've constantly been the type who will hear God pressing me to do something, fight it for as long as I possibly can, and then eventually he puts me in a situation where I'm trying to run things with my own judgement and everything crashes in on me and I'm rolling around on the floor in pain and humiliation saying "God why didn't I listen to you in the first place?" Who knows. I believe I've extracted all the meaning I could from that epic moment this afternoon. Though it certainly wasn't my finest... I can say that I am humbled.

On another note. I'm going to write about whats truly been sitting on my heart and i've been ignoring it and pushing it back today because I don't want to deal with it. Though, as a slave to goodness and truth i must, in my duty to other God and to other people.
I've got this feeling that i'm truly not exposing ME to other people. Something about being around my church and growing up in the conservative church has taught me that I must conserve myself from others. Not that I'm not a conservative at heart, for I certainly am in most aspects. But something I believe has been engrained in the way I think of things is that the more we grow in our faith, the more isolated we become, the more superior we become, the more quiet we become, and the less friendly we become, and this is pure lies! Its the exact opposite! The more we grow in our faith, the more friendly we become, the more we grow in our faith, the more into the grit of true humanity we throw ourselves into, the more we grow in our faith, the more we LOVE humanity. Cause that's what its all about. Even at the heart of a musician who originally hated people is a heart that thrives and beats for kinship, fondness of heart, and intimacy. What's funny is, although there is a huge desire for being intimate with girls (friendship wise) and I love all the good friends I have that are girls, I find that I'd be most delighted to have a friendship with guys that couldn't be corrupted with impure motives. cause guys don't like guys. (insert witty comment here) But I don't know what it is, and I've gotta rid myself of this preconcieved image as Christians as people who become more distant from others as they grow in their faith! Oh God forgive me for passing judgement on those who seem to be new in their faith because of their openness with people. I need forgiveness and change. praying time.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Thoughts

Life makes itself very confusing to the ones who try to understand it. And when I say life, I mean life as it pertains to individuals and who they are. It's almost as if, the more you try to understand life, and the more you come to understand, the more complicated and expansive just the idea of it gets. I'm currently in the process of trying to figure out who I am, in Christ's will. Where I'm to go, and what my future will consist of is determined by who I am according to my submittal to Christ, and therefore I find defining it through what my purpose is as a worthy cause. I'm finding myself to be falling in love with writing. The emotions simple, concise, words can convey in our vulnerable hearts blows my mind every time. So, I'm in love with words and music.... where's that going to get me? Moody bible college in Chicago is starting to look totally awesome to me as a choice for college after doing my time at AASU. It may be too expensive though, who knows. God's taught me that I must trust him and not my own weak judgement. But I do think that I'll be able to extensively develop the skills God's given me there.
One resolution I've come to after being inspired by a few people up at Lighthouse is that I'm going to take full advantage of the freedom God's offered me in Christ. I currently feel as if i'm low-living. My visions and dreams never seem to rise up and take me, or my heart to new heights of the discovery of this freedom. All i do is come back to the same thing, all the time. Facebook. email. reading. eating. sleeping. work. That's all I seem to ever do. Naturally, those who are free in Christ are inspired to rise above such Low living, and will eventually let their aspirations and dreams take effect and actually happen. I guess thats the calling I'm feeling now. What I do know, is that all there is to know- all the true riches, adventure, love, and knowledge come from people. Because it's people who have souls- which hide secrets, ideas, love, adventure, and, most important of all, the human spirit (love also)- a reflection of God's spirit. I'm going to get to know as many people as possible, learn their story, put love into their hurts, and join them in forming and carrying out their aspirations and dreams. And to those who have suppressed their human spirit of love and adventure and fondness with others in their all out slavery to the world, I will, with all of the heart and willpower and love i can muster, attempt to shine through their bonds of slavery and reveal true freedom to them. Because this is what Christ followers are still on the Earth for.
I think that something that links every human being, all over the world, is the human spirit. We were created with souls in God's own image, so therefore we can find in common three things: Faith in something bigger than us (If some people don't have this, theyre simply suppressing it with ignorance), Hope in what is to come, and Love. In my busy, ignorance filled, boring life, I find that the only thing I've truly half-way mastered, by the grace of my Lord Jesus Christ, is faith. If I have hope in the future, then why am I getting so bogged down and frustrated with Now? If I have fully revealed Love with the help of Christ in my life, then why do I find it so hard to open my heart up and show people who I truly am? When we're living in Christ's freedom, we're given the right to open up and show every single fellow human being exactly what the stuff our our hearts and souls are, but I still seem to be holding back from different people, simply because they aren't like me. Maybe I could serve as a better servant of Jesus Christ if I could take my stubborn, selfish identity, and pry it open for all to see, so that all can know that this man is holding nothing back, for the cause of Christ. I think this is what is a true heart to heart movement consists of.
And so I'm praying in these scary, lonely, yet hopefully mysterious days of my life, that God will take who I am and open me up for all to see. I have nothing to hide, but I'm still hiding inside my shell. I need the help of Jesus Christ in becoming in myself, the identity and representation of what total freedom in Jesus Christ is.
Grace and peace to everyone in my life, and much more i'm praying!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Jesus

I once was a slave, going about doing my deeds of death, with the consequences ripping me apart inwardly and outwardly rending other's hearts, but the master who frees us came and pulled me out of it all by the hand! Though I live in the same grounds as these masters of death, though they chase me around, though they try to capture me, though they bend double to try to grab any part of me and throw me into slavery, I hold fast on to the one who is holding my hand, and the more I get tired and these masters of lies chase me and seem to be gaining, He who holds my hand holds tighter and runs faster with me. Praise his name!!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Freedom

In reference to the last post, i want to follow up on some stuff I've realized from reading some stuff, and by things my friends have shown and told me.

I've been offered freedom in Christ- but I, being a creature of sin, seem to keep going back to the same old things, and constantly being a slave to different things.

"Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything.- Paul, in Hebrews.
This basically means that, now that I'm free from sin, I'm free to dabble in anything, in my love for Christ, but not allow myself to be mastered by anything, for God is my sole master. For example, I have the freedom to write music, but if i let writing music become my object of worship, and I can't get away from it, and I start identifying myself with writing music, then I have surrendered my freedom in Christ- to writing music. Now, I can write music all I want, and God has given me the gift of being able to dabble in what ever thing I feel pleased to put my efforts and interest in, and, in the fact that I am able to thank God for everything on the earth, I can take interest in writing music, while giving the glory to God for his wonderful gifts. The main point is, god has made everything on this earth, and I can give me interest to anything in my worship of God, because If i take wonder in anything on this earth, I can take wonder in God, because he has created it. And this- is freedom. This kind of makes every day living an act of worship, because when i go to work, i may be a sculptor, people may identify me as a sculptor, but I simply sculpt because i find interest in it, and when i sculpt, in my eyes, the glory is going to God, not myself, because I worship God and glorify him in my sculpting skills, and this gives me the freedom to be any old profession I feel like in my worship of God. What other God could offer this kind of freedom? Now, everyone on earth is religious, because we were created to worship something, so, the false gods they talk about in the bible come into play. If I worship the jonas brothers- what claim can they make on anything except their music? And, if gods are supposed to be the main parts of our life, if I give my attention to anything else, i have taken my attention away from the jonas brothers, for gods require all of our attention, they would be displeased :(. But, my freedom in christ allows me to worship God by doing any old thing i want, knowing in my heart that God has created it all, and as long as i give none of it my complete allegience- i'm free.
Now how exactly do you give something your allegience? I guess that would be when you start attributing it as something that you need and could not do without. Something that you put before God in your priority list. This breaks His heart. My life is full of it, and I want to list some of the things that I believe i have given my freedom in christ away too in my being enslaved my them-
Facebook
Email
This Blog??
Comfort?
Music
Laziness
My daily schedule


I'm praying that, although Jesus is still giving me freedom though I constantly refuse it because of my ignorance, He can free me from these things. I honestly think laziness will be one of the hardest things, because I am lazy, big time. Praise God for his unending freedom.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Enslavement to the Sandwich and Aspirations to be like my Dog

I love our dogs. They are actually teaching me some funny and awesome things about life, with just watching how they respond to stuff. There's actually some crazy things to be learned about how God meant us to live our life in the most unlikely happenings and creatures. I've decided that the Old testament, and basically everything God created, like animals, plants, and the most insignificant stories of the Bible can teach us some of the most awesome things about life.

I just got home from work a while ago and I grabbed a sandwich and then went outside and let the dogs out. What they usually do is run around, and jump like bunnies (copper-boy dog- he does that) and just take in the absolute excitement of the greenish, leafy, abounding in places to mark your territoryish nature that surrounds them. They could stay out there for hours just walking around and sniffing the flowers (Sadie) and testing certain things they'd never seen before if I didn't force them to come inside and sit in their cages.
What was funny about today though was that I had a sandwich in my hand that I was eating, and their reactions were both really funny and taught me stuff. Copper did just like he usually did, absolutely dove out the door and ran around like taking in everything he could about the outside that he could, but poor Sadie is a serious food-a-holic and could and would eat until her stomach exploded if we didn't stop her (only the kind of food we eat though, she and copper only grudgingly eat their own food) so she just followed me by my side, with the most loyal manner of walking beside me that you could possibly expect from a dog, with her eyes absolutely feasting themselves on my sandwich.... I tried to get her to go run around with Copper and stuff but all she could do was hope for crumbs or pieces of my sandwich that fell, and if she got any, she would only want more and more lol. poor sadie...
I guess the main thing is- she had all of the beautiful outdoors to run around and enjoy and "frolic in the daisies" and what not but her enslavement to the sandwich kept her stuck in that one spot, like frozen in this googly eyed loyal dog position that melts your heart lol.
All the time copper was running around, playing with turtles, jumping around, sniffing the trees, chasing birds, what not.

Sadie reminds me of me. Copper reminds me of who God intended us to be.

I think once we finally take our eyes off "the sandwich" we're free to a new world and a new way of life. Key word- we're free. We can go this way or that, we can jump around, try new things, love people here and there, become better at this or that, and basically be free in love. We aren't stuck in one spot, enslaved by our desire for "just one more" crumb of sin. Thank you Jesus. :D

But if you think about it this way, sin isn't really defined by a bunch of rules, its simply saying no to God. Its like having a wife, who expects you to be friends to other girls and care about them, but to not allow them the same rights to you as she does. That was a weird example, but, basically, if we're making our thoughts and our actions captive to God, isn't giving ourselves over to anything else saying no to him? What I don't think a lot of people understand is that God is MADLY in love with us. He's love sick!! Us saying no to him is like cheating on him, like your girl/boyfriend of 4 years cheating on you. his heart shatters, but he forgives. He would still be glorious and righteous and above all Good and loving even if he hadn't sent Jesus to rescue us from this horrible sin! So when we become mastered by a daily schedule or by a practice that we could not easily free ourselves from, we're saying no to God's freedom. He wants us to have it. I myself have a bit of freeing myself to do. I'm addicted to facebook. i could'nt stop it if I wanted to so I'm going to not go on it so much for now. It breaks my heart that i'm breaking God's heart by letting something other than goodness have mastery over me.

So, when we are free, when we accept this freedom that God offers, are we to become bored with it? No! The only way we could be bored is if we let something else have mastery over us. This is endless freedom in love!
I want to admit that I've been basically a troll. God's given me all this freedom to go about my life loving others, but I content myself with coming back to the same things all the time. It's like, in my freedom from sin, God's given me the whole world, but I'm content with sitting in a little cage because I don't love the humanity of the world enough to leave what makes me comfortable and go out and bring love to people. You'd think i'd been taught enough by what i've been through that the only time good can come out of things is by exiting your comfort zone. I want to be more like copper, who takes endless interest in the smallest things about his life, which is so small compared to the thing's I've been given access to, to whom God presents stuff, and he makes something new and creative of it. I want to be free from sitting in the googly eyed position with sin hoping for one more crumb and get out and see what's truly waiting for me when I take my eyes and rights away from those things that master me other than God.

Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us! -- Hebrews 12:1b (NIV)

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Praise

still hurting like crazy, like I've got this thing in the bottom of my stomach that is just ready to give me stabs of pain everytime I try to think about it, but God is strengthening me. He is working me now that he's torn me down to nothing and taken away everything, and for this I'm thankful.
He has mercy even though I've been running away from him in my pain, for fear of more pain while following him. I let satan tempt me into being distracted away from the scriptures, but God wanted me back so he made me realize that those were the most important things to be paying attention to especially now. Praise his name. Grace and peace to all who read.